A Lone Girl Blogs…

It feels like that’s what I should rename my blog.  I feel like I have changed a lot.  I have tried to do things differently.  I am no longer completely stuck in one spot and too lazy/unmotivated to do anything about it.  I am now actively trying to figure out how to get to where I want to go, which makes me feel like I am no longer that lazy bored girl that would write depressing posts for no one to read.

However, I won’t rename my blog.

I will however tell you that the reason I feel like I should rename my blog “A Lone Girl Blogs” is because of my birthday coming up in less than 2 months.

If you follow me on twitter or tumblr, you will know that I will be turning 25 next year and that I want to go away for my birthday.  When I am 25, I want to either go to Disney World or Vegas.  I don’t know why those two places in particular, well Disney World because I feel like 25 = grown up and all I want is to have a break from adulthood and be a kid again.  Also, if you follow me, you will know that I want to CHOOSE to be alone on my birthday.

You see, I have always had a feeling that I will be alone for my entire life.  I feel like next year I should learn to embrace it.  I have already learned to smile for myself and not others but I think it’s time for me to just accept that I will be alone.  I have tried and it’s gotten to a point where I don’t think my heart can take it anymore.  I never thought I had trust issues and always assumed it was commitment issues but it’s a little bit of both.  I don’t trust that anyone will ever be there for me, I feel like everyone I love will always leave me and that’s why I have always left before they could leave me.  This is why, next year I will learn to accept the fact that I am alone and I will be ok.

I feel like next year is going to be an important year for me.

It’s been awhile…

It has been awhile since I’ve posted and as much as I want to say I have stuff to post, I don’t.  Stuff has changed since I last posted but most importantly, I’ve been busy.  I’m no longer that bored girl sitting at home watching shows and youtube videos and reading blogs.  I’m now a girl who has two part-time jobs since one is not enough and studying for my GRE’s.  I am still unsure as to where I want to be next year for a year before I apply to grad school but I realize I need to make this decision soon.  I need to know soon because a lot of volunteer positions within my field require a one year commitment due to the training that they give you.  So, should I stay or should I go?

 

“He’s a special needs boy, please let him sit down.”

So, today I was waiting on the subway platform for a delayed subway train when I hear an older lady saying “He’s a special needs boy, please let him sit down.”  Now, I’m all about letting the physically disabled sit down, and I’m all about letting the elderly sit down but why in the world would it matter if I let a grown man with special needs sit down, just because you say so.  I really wanted to be like “PROVE IT”.

Now, you may all think I’m being insensitive etc. but let me tell you what I saw.

I understand that not all handicaps are physically visible and I also know that in today’s norm, it would seem insensitive and rude if we did not get up and give up our seat when someone says that but that’s my problem.  I am hugely against labeling and stereotyping.  Just because the person may have Autism (later on along the subway ride, the woman mentioned that the boy had Autism, also she kept calling him a boy but he was definitely a grown up boy) does not mean that you should be allowed to use that as a reason or excuse as to why a person would need a seat.  The person with Autism was perfectly capable of standing and wasn’t even fussing about wanting a seat or anything like that.  So, I am confused.  Again, later on when we were getting off the subway, I watched the pair and the so-called-special-needs boy was able to stand on the subway and wait for the doors to open.  The boy also seemed to know exactly where to go and the older lady for awhile, wasn’t even paying attention to him or following very close behind him.  The older lady who I’m pretty sure is his mother, eventually caught up to him but everything just seemed off.  From the moment I heard that phrase, to my further observations, I am just baffled by how society reacts and feeling like they used that line just so he could get a seat.

Obviously, not everything can be seen but why would anyone feel like it’s ok to announce to the world that that person has special needs or that that person has autism.  How is that right?

I am against labeling, I’m not against special needs or autism or anything of that sort.  I am against labeling children with autism as autistic children and other mental/developmental disorders as that person’s crazy or that person’s retarded etc.  I just don’t think that any of that right.  Just because they see and feel the world differently than us doesn’t mean they aren’t just one of us either.

I hope you understand where I’m coming from.

❤ sarah

Practicing Writing #1

I don’t know if you, my reader, has noticed but since I have revamped my blog, I have been trying to post a new post every other day.  Yesterday was the first day that I missed and normally I would apologize but today it made me realize that maybe posting every other day is too ambitious.  So, I am going to try to post at least every 2 or 3 days.  In a previous post, I had mentioned that I wanted to practice writing and what better way to start than today.  So, I’ve been trying to look for some writing exercises online and found a site that had a list of fifteen writing exercises.  The one I am going to attempt is to write a description of a place.  I’ve decided to try to describe to you guys my workplace without actually telling you what I do, where I work or what the machines are but I’m sure you can guess.

When I close my eyes for a second to try to catch my breath as I continue to work, I hear everything, all the machines running at full speed.  First, I hear the papers being snatched up and spat out in front of me.  The sharpness of the sound makes my hands feel dry as I imagine the warm paper being spewed out feeling dry and stale between my fingers.  Then in one corner, I hear the steady sounds of the gears turning and chomping away on a different machine.  In the other corner, I hear a low rumbling rolling sound of a few machines as they are turned on for use.  Occasionally, I’d hear a low squeak coming from one of the machines.  Behind me, I hear the phone ring but ignore it as I hear paper being rolled out and rolled back in.  The machine starts buzzing as the ink swishes back and forth on the paper making the paper feeling tacky till the ink dries.  Then I hear a machine beeping in the corner and I’m back to work.

I know I have a lot to improve but hope you enjoyed the post anyways.

❤ sarah

Compliments, do you hate them or love them?

The other day, I was thinking about how I hate compliments.  I especially hate receiving compliments but I also just suck at giving compliments.  I find it all so awkward and fake.  At least for the longest time that’s what I thought was the reason why I disliked compliments so much but recently I thought about it in more depth.  I don’t really know why I was thinking about it besides the fact that someone I like told me their mom thought I was pretty.  I didn’t really think of that as a good thing but most guys seem to take it as a good thing.  Anyways, so why do I hate compliments?

Reasons why I hate receiving compliments:

a)  I don’t ever really know what to say when someone compliments me.  Sometimes I say thank you.  Sometimes when I say thank you, I feel like I should say more or that the other person is expecting me to respond by complimenting them.  I end up feeling like the bad guy if I don’t compliment them back.  How do you respond to a compliment?

b)  It feels fake to me.  Sometimes, I don’t think the compliments are genuine and I just hate when people are fake.  So much of Asian culture is based on face, I just hate it.

c)  Sometimes, it’s just about looks.  As much as I want to believe that people don’t care about looks, I know it’s importance.  I know I’m not ugly but I think of myself as average look wise.  I just feel like is that all you have to say about me?  Is that all I am to you?  A pretty face?  I guess it’s the feminist in me.

Reasons why I hate giving compliments:

a)  It just doesn’t flow out of me the way it flows out of other people.  It’s not like I don’t want to compliment people, it’s just that I can’t seem to word my compliments correctly.  This just makes things awkward for both parties.

b)  Timing.  When is it the right moment to compliment someone?  Right when you see them? or when you notice something worth complimenting? and what if you notice it while they are in the middle of a deep discussion with you?  I don’t know.  I just never seem to have the timing right.  Again, making complimenting someone just an awkward gesture.

Maybe it’s just me, but I just don’t understand compliments.  Sometimes I feel like I lack in social skills and wonder if I might suffer from a bit of autism.  But that’s a random thought for another day.

How do you feel about compliments?  Comment below and let me know.

❤ sarah